Fitness Competition Journal: So you mean it really doesn't matter?????

Last week while doing my Treadmill Intervals I had an epiphany

It does NOT matter.  

By IT I mean my weight and physical appearance.  

That IT which most of us (especially women) base our value and our worth on. 

IT does NOT matter

Living in If Only

When I was younger I lived in the If Only's

If only I wasn't overweight

If only I was prettier

If only the boys liked me

If only I had different circumstances

If only I wasn't me

If only....If only...If only

As an adult I lived in the If Only's as well

If only I had a real job that paid real money

If only I was married

If only I had kids

If only I moved to a different town

If only.....If only...If only...

If only I wasn't me.

Flashbacks

There was a particular incident that occurred not too long ago where I experienced "rejection".  I blamed the entire incident on me weighing 150-160 pounds and I said IF ONLY I weighed less and looked better, then this wouldn't have happened.

You have to understand that people who faced their adolescence not being the hottest ticket in town have a hard time healing from that experience.  The first place their mind goes when something doesn't go their way is rejection.  They immediately have flashbacks to nobody wanting to date them or remembering the feeling of not being good enough.

For me the first thing I go to when experiencing a rejection in this realm is: my appearance and weight because that's what I struggled with most growing up.

The Present

OK so fast forward to today:  I'm probably the fittest I have ever been and I am feeling strong, empowered, and awesome.  Well the same exact thing happened.  I weigh under 140 pounds at last count and the same exact thing happened which was NOTHING.  Well there went that theory.

As a matter of fact, I don't think I'm being "rejected" at all.  That was just the label I've lived with for so long that I immediately go back into default mode when something like this happens.

Can I tell you I felt incredibly relieved and free when nothing happened because it PROVED that IT wasn't the cause at all.  My instincts told me that wasn't IT all along in the first place, but I needed some type of confirmation.

It doesn't matter...it's the energy from within people are drawn to

As women we are inundated with advertisements that tell us that if we do not lose those last 10 pounds then we may as well give it up.  As I am in my 30's now, I've also noticed the anti aging ads a little more frequently.  If we get wrinkles, we may as well go into the house and apply to be on an episode of Hoarders because nobody will want us.

We fall for these advertisements hook, line, and sinker.

As a Fitness Professional, I see so many AWESOME women trying to "fix" themselves and their physical imperfections thinking IF ONLY I looked perfect on the outside, then things would be different.  

Radical Thinking

I'm going to propose a radical thought here: Well what if none of that mattered? The weight, the wrinkles, the outside.

What if people were drawn to you because they liked YOU?

Think about that for a moment:  

What if they were drawn to you because you had an energy about you that they couldn't get enough of:  You're funny, you're smart, and you're caring. 

What if you concentrated on what's RIGHT about you instead of what's wrong?

What if you stopped worrying about fat thighs, stomach rolls, and all of that and concentrated on being your best self?  What if you concentrated on getting stronger, doing more than you could yesterday, and having fun while you were doing it?

That's what I am doing by training for this competition and I am having a blast doing it.  I tell you I look forward to my workouts and pushing myself harder than I did the last week.  I am proud of myself for doing more than I thought I could and sticking with my diet.  It makes me feel awesome to know that I am working toward my goal. 

A-ha Moment

During my time on the treadmill I realized several things:

• First of all appearance is not what draws people to you and can't be blamed for everything that doesn't go your way.  It really does NOT matter.  If someone is here for you, then they will not go away. You can make a total fool out of yourself and they will still show up.  

• We spend too much time worried about our appearance and give it too much power.  It's the light on the inside that people are drawn too.  When I think of my favorite people, I don't think about their physical appearance at all.  I think about their character and their personality and not their physical appearance.  Even though I tease about being physically attracted to someone, if I'm drawn to someone it's usually not just because of their physical appearance.  It's something within that's drawing me to them.

• Six pack abs and buns of steel are not going to make you happier if you're miserable.  I've seen that first hand. You can still be a miserable, negative, and lonely person with 5-10% Body fat. 

Getting up on stage butt booty naked in a tiny bikini with 5 inch heels to be judged on my appearance seems to contradict this entire post, but it does not because IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THEY THINK because I know that I gave it my all.  I know that I set a goal and stuck with it.  I know that I put aside my fears and decided to prance around onstage naked in front of strangers.  

IT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE I FACED MY FEARS OF BEING REJECTED ON THE BASIS OF APPEARANCE HEAD ON!!!!  What can you tell me??  I have gotten up naked in front of people and been scored for it.  Talk about facing your fears.  

 I keep saying it but it because it has become clear to me on this journey that IT DOESN'T MATTER if I weigh 160 pounds or 130 pounds.  The people that are here for me will still be here for me because they ARE here for me:  Yes me:  Bossy, aggressive, dramatic, demanding, doesn't have a flat stomach and has big old thighs me.  And??? Why wouldn't they??? I'm imperfect, fabulous, and FIERCE.  So are you!!!

I have my eyes set on a contest in Culver City on Sept 6 which means I am 10 weeks out.

Here is a practice shot from today.

I will share some 6 week progress shots next week.

It's working!!