Do you know that I have never worn a bathing suit in public as an adult woman? I just bought my first bikini this year and that was because I wanted to use them for my progress photos.
So of course the first time I decide to wear a bikini in public it has to be very tiny, in front of strangers, under bright lights, and in 4.5 inch heels.
That's the way I operate though: I always have to do the most or just forget it!
This week I took a very big step. I posted pictures of myself in my sports bra and workout pants 12 weeks out from my competition date. Initially I was very nervous about sharing the pictures because I thought
"I don't look anything like a figure competitor"
"I still look too fat"
"What will people think? They will think I look terrible"
Finally I just bit the bullet and did it. I was really encouraged by the response and I was also pleased that I didn't get one perv comment.
I want to be completely vulnerable about this process with people. I want to be transparent with people and encourage and inspire someone. Like most women I struggle with my body image. I've thought if I was only thinner, prettier, had lighter skin, and a flatter stomach then maybe my life would be better. Maybe I wouldn't be single anymore. Maybe I would have a more glamorous life.
Now deep down I know all of that is nonsense. I'm very blessed and my physical appearance has nothing to do with it. Besides if the only reason a man likes me is because of what I look like, then he is not here for me anyway.
This process is teaching me to love my body because it's strong, it's powerful, it's resilient. It does more than I thought it could do. It's capable of a lot more than I thought it was. I also am learning to love my body in a different way. I weigh 10 lbs less than I did a few months ago and most of my circumstances have not changed. I am still single and my life is still not glamorous. For the record I don't think anyone's life is as glamorous as it seems.
My point is that the "if I could just lose 10 lbs then things would change theory" has been killed off. It isn't true. What is true is that if you learn to love who you are wherever you are, then you will attract the right people is what's true.
Posting my Actual Progress pictures
So I am going to post my ACTUAL progress pictures that I send to my coach on this blog. Why? Because I feel empowered. Being vulnerable and letting the entire internet see me in a bikini 12 weeks out is freeing. It's liberating.
Yes the girl who was called whale in middle school and struggled with weight all through adolesence and her 20's is putting on her bikini and letting it rock! It's freedom from judgments. Self Judgment and judgment from other people.
Who cares what people think? I'm doing this and I'm proud of myself. I've lived in fear of judgment for too long. Time for a new story
I just got a plan update from my coach and she dropped my calories. It's getting real. We're getting close. It may be time to start bringing out the Michael Jackson and Prince albums. I also need Mr. Excitement to return to motivate me and get my blood flowing. I promise to behave and not attack.
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