From G Day in August until about Sept 27, I have been in limbo. During that time I have quit and given up on bodybuilding and my goal of doing a fitness competition about 10 times. I figured it was never going to happen and I should just throw in the towel. This lasts for about an hour or two and then I decide I don't really want to quit.
I asked myself two questions
Will I regret not doing this in 20 years?
Will I lose respect for myself if I quit?
The answer to both questions was Yes. So I press on.
Attitude Adjustment
Somewhere around Labor Day I just got tired. I was tired of meal plans. I was tired of not getting to eat trail mix and Quest bars. I was tired of fooling myself that I could ever do a competition and I just had enough.
I submitted my update to my coach with an 80% compliance rate for my meal plan and an "I'm over it" attitude. When I received my update she wrote back and said that just because I am not competing this year I cannot have a "ho hum" attitude or else I am never going to get there. If I really want to do this, then I need to get it together.
She was right of course. My attitude did suck and I took the words to heart. After all, the reason most folks don't get where they want to go is because they give up when they think it is taking too long or they don't believe they will ever reach their goal.
Olympia Motivation
A few weeks after that, I Watched the Olympia competition. For those who don't know it is the Super Bowl of the Bodybuilding/Fitness World. Watching all those awesome competitors really lit a fire under my butt. My coach stood on the Olympia stage or the first time ever and it was such a reward because that is a competition for only the best of the best. I also knew how much she sacrificed and how hard she worked to get onstage at the Olympia.
My workouts received new oomph after watching all of the beautiful ladies compete and I was more motivated than ever to accomplish my goal of competing in fitness and looking strong and powerful.
Recharge and Facing My Fears
So after the Olympia I got out of my bubble and attended a Women's Empowerment Conference. During those 5 days, I did not work out. I ate what I wanted but I did not binge. In fact, I had promised myself that I was going to eat pancakes on my vacation and I did just that. I ate when I was hungry and I also found a grocery store to buy fresh fruit and water.
I brought my workout clothes but decided I needed a break from working out and food. I didn't want to think about it. I wanted to feed my soul.
During the Conference we went through a Hall of Fears where we faced all of our biggest fears. Some of mine are fear of failure, rejection, and caring what others think. I realized that was part of my problem when it relates to my fitness goals.
I am somewhat embarrassed that I told everyone that I was going to compete in figure this year. Not only did I not accomplish, but I have also gained weight back. I felt like a failure and that I don't have what it takes to be strong, fit, and a competitor so I should just give up.
OK I didn't hit my goal...MOVING ON! I tried and didn't make it this year but that doesn't mean it won't happen eventually. People who TRY DO THINGS...it's okay to make a mistake and then move forward.
Rejection
During one of my meltdowns in the midst of contest prep, I asked myself a question: Was I doing this to vindicate myself from all of the "rejection" over the years. Was I doing this to prove that I was worthy of attention and that I am not destined to be a Hoarders episode. The truth is that was part of the reason why I wanted to do a figure competition.
I wanted to prove people wrong who think I am going to be some pathetic old spinster with dried up eggs. I also wanted to SHOW people who rejected me how wrong they were.
During the prep I had that a-ha moment where I realized that it did not matter whether I weighed 160 or 140, if someone is here for it...then they are here for it. It really didn't matter. I will not earn anyone's love or attention because I competed in a fitness show.
I have to say that after the conference I realized I was putting too much stock into vindication and validation. It wasn't going to cure my rejection problem. What did help my rejection problem was me facing my fear of rejection and telling myself that being me is good enough and if someone isn't here for it...then they just aren't. Oh well too bad.
What Others Think
I think I was afraid of getting up and looking foolish if I did compete. I was afraid that people would think I was a loser since I didn't complete my goal and because I have gained weight back.
This was probably my favorite line of the week: "Stop worrying about others think! Don't listen to people who are doing a lousy job of running their own lives"
Again trying is better than laying around doing nothing.
4th Quarter Comeback
Well as I have told my coach, I need to set some smaller goals to keep myself focused on the bigger picture. I have decided to set goals for the next 6 weeks to see fat loss and a considerable change in my my midsection.
I officially started October 1 and my end date is November 15
I don't have a weight goal because I don't want to get focused on the scale. i know which changes I am looking for and that comes with being compliant!
Here are my starting pics:
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